Pardon me while I cry



When I think about what Josh is going through and I put myself in his place, I feel like he should be so upset, angry and confused. Right now he is dealing again with being dehydrated and having doctors order for him to drink constantly all day. Then he retains water and is so puffed up, it seems his body can barely hold all the fluids. He has got to feel upset about that when he looks at his reflection in the mirror. And when I think about how he must feel, but he wont say anything, it tears me up inside.

And everytime he gets tired watching a movie or sitting in a meeting or in church and starts to nod off, instead of just letting him rest. I have to force him to stay awake because he is not hooked to his ventilator and he will stop breathing enough to keep enough oxygen in his blood. He gets so frustrated with us pestering him to stay awake. And I wish more than anything that I could just let him fall asleep for just a short nap. But I get so scared about what will happen.

And when someone talks about going swimming or to a waterpark, I know Josh has to feel so bad because he wishes he could go too, but he cant risk any water getting in his trach it could drown him so quickly. I even had a terrible nightmare that he fell into a pool of water and drowned before we could get him out.

Josh almost never talks about his feelings about all that is happening with him or what his future might be like. I am a bit worried to ask him, too. I dont want to say the wrong thing and add to his worries or get him depressed. I just keep thinking about how I see myself in the mirror and get a little down from time to time then I just imagine especially when his whole body has changed so much what he must be thinking or feeling but wont let it show.

I just pray to God that He blesses Josh in some special way for how he has dealt with all these horrible things going on with his body.

We have been working on the beginning stages of a benefit effort to raise money for when we will go to Chicago for Josh to be evaluated for a diaphragmatic pacemaker. We are hoping that will help him be able to do without the trach someday. All of these money issues have also gotten me down. I hate to ask people for money. I hate to say we are a cause that deserves someones money. I know we have been blessed to live in a good home and we have running vehicles and internet, cable tv and cell phones. I also know we are scraping to get by to pay for those things much less the trips and all the other expenses and medical bills coming our way. I just hate to feel so undeserving of anybodys help.

We have talked about selling our house and moving, but we believe that God has a reason to keep us where we are. The school district has been the best one weve seen in all the help they have given us. Our church family has also been tremendous throughout the past year and a half while weve struggles through hospital stays and mounting bills, etc. And housing prices around here have skyrocketed over the last couple of years. I doubt we could find a house even half as nice as what we have for what we owe on this one. I cant see us saving enough money in the selling of this house and purchasing another especially when you add moving costs, etc.

I sure dont have the answers to any of these questions, concerns or worries. I have put my faith in God for all of this, but I am only human. I have my moments like this now when I break down and take inventory, of sorts, of my feelings and emotions. I know God has promised not to give us more than we can handle but he has sure given me my share. And I am trying my best to carry it all. Pray for me for all of us. Thanks!